Fiona Spargo-Mabbs is the director and founder of drug education charity .
Summer is finally here, school will soon be done and a big chunk of time away from the routine of term is coming for teens and their parents, with all its potential for messy mixes of highs and lows, hopes and fears, fun and boredom, friends and loneliness.
For some, the summer break spells a pause from pressure, more time with friends, new adventures and experiences. For others it may not be so positive. If important exam results are ahead, summer can mean worry dragged out over weeks. For neurodivergent young people, the abrupt change from the familiar pattern of school life can bring heightened anxiety. For those facing a known transition – to secondary school, sixth form or college, or off to university – there are a lot of unknowns to sit on their shoulders.
As the director and founder of a drug education charity that works with tens of thousands of young people every year, along with many of their parents, I’m more than aware of how very different that long summer holiday can be, and I imagine you’ll have a fair idea of what it might look like for you. But whatever it holds, for you and for them, day to day and moment to moment, it can also bring opportunities for connection and communication that the busyness of term time can often crowd out.
Starting with those facing a summer of teenage parties and gatherings, all those ongoing, little and often conversations very much come into their own when it comes to making sure they can keep themselves – and their friends – safe and sound. Talk ¿´Æ¬¿ñÈË’s
guide for parents has a lot of very practical advice and strategies to bring to these, so do have a look there, or watch our on our website, amongst a whole host of . If you have older teens heading off to summer festivals, check out the advice for parents in our
Talk ¿´Æ¬¿ñÈË feature.
For those with teens in their home who are feeling more daunted by the coming couple of months, however, you’re probably feeling a little (or more than a little) daunted yourselves. The reason (or reasons) for this will inevitably guide how you can best respond – as will what’s going on for you, your own emotional capacity and your available time around inevitable, unavoidable commitments – but whatever it is, connection and communication are the fundamental tools for us all as parents, wherever and whenever and however you can. Easy to say; not always (nor often for some) so easy to make happen.
In that shifting ground of adolescence, in the drift – or drive – from childhood into adulthood, how that connection and communication happen will change their shape, and what this will look like will depend on so many things, but even the tiniest, most opportune moment of either or both can make an enormous difference, even if that’s hard to see there and then. And both help each other work better. Communication brings connection, and connection creates spaces – and strengthens relationships – in which communication can happen. The opportunity to give them a lift, go on a dog walk, offer a drink – whatever, whenever, wherever, any chance you get, make sure you take it. A snatched chat can pave the way for a long and meaningful conversation that they may need with you at some point in the future.
And whatever you do, make sure to make the most of the chance to listen. For my book for parents, ‘’, I spent lots of time with teenagers, hearing them share their wisdom and advice, and one of the most consistent – and insistent – messages was how much it matters to have parents who really, properly listen. Whether you as a parent have a splurger or someone who broods, listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give our teens, and there are so many ways to do this. It could be staying present and focused while they delve at great length into every detail of something or other – showing your interest, resisting the temptation to interrupt, empathising and validating their feelings (even if you think they’re misplaced), checking you’ve understood. Or asking open, curious, wondering questions to create a space. Or using every shred of skill at interpreting every non-verbal seeping through the silence. And sitting with silence, side by side, is sometimes just what’s needed.
Whatever the weather, outside and inside, whatever is going on for you both, may your summer bring moments of connection that strengthen communication and deepen relationships, and that your teenagers go back to a new school year knowing all over again that you’re always there (even if you sometimes get busy), always on their side (even if you’re not on the side of what they might be doing), always their safe place to run back into, whatever’s going on for them (however you feel about it). And always, always that they’re deeply, utterly loved, no matter what.