Separated parents: how to navigate your child鈥檚 schooling

Our parent advisory service is busier and bigger than ever, and we’re seeing more and more requests from parents for help with more specific thorny issues – from securing financial aid to moving schools mid-way through the academic year, relocating across the world, unpicking the pros and cons of A-levels versus the IB and choosing the best school for a child with SEND. We are well aware that finding the right school for your child is one of the most important decisions any parent will make – but once your child is happily settled, there are sometimes still plenty of bumps to deal with along the way.

We are all parents ourselves – we know how hard this is – and armed with the most up-to-date, insider knowledge, we can make it easier for you. In the first of a new series navigating a number of tricky school-related issues, we asked specialist family lawyer Lucy Clark of international law firm Penningtons Manches Cooper to unpick the most important questions separated parents might have about their child’s schooling – from what to do if school fees aren’t being paid to how to ensure both parents are kept equally informed and involved.

We are not able to agree on the best school for our child. What do we do if we cannot reach an agreement?

Irrespective of whether you are separated or in a happy relationship, there may be fundamental decisions about which you disagree, particularly where education is concerned. If you feel that the school which your former partner is proposing is not the right fit for your child, is in the wrong location or is not suitable for any other reason, it is important that you first try to discuss this with the other parent. If you are able to, it is sensible to attend open days and meet with the headteacher together. You can raise any concerns then, and see if they can be alleviated.

It might be that you are simply not aligned on either the specific school or the type of school your child should attend. If your child is just starting school, it is unlikely to be appropriate or helpful to ask the child’s view, but a child’s wishes and feelings will gain greater importance as they progress through their school career. You should both need to agree on a school to allow your child to be registered. If your child is already at school and you wish to move them to a different school, the school should ask for the agreement of both parents – and if that is not possible, a court order is needed.

It can be helpful to attend mediation with a specialist family mediator. This can often be enormously beneficial in reaching an agreement and is also a requirement if you are unable to agree and feel that there is no option but to make a Court application. Court applications are seen as a last resort, particularly in cases such as deciding on a school (as the decision can be so subjective), but there are times when they are unavoidable. If you are really not able to agree, then a judge will make the decision based on what they consider to be in the child’s best interests.

What level of support should I expect from a school when parents are divorcing?

All schools will have dealt with family breakdowns. It is important to ask what support is available for children whose parents are going through a divorce or separation. For a child, this can be a hugely unsettling time and school provides stability and consistency when things at home may feel more uncertain. Ask your school if they have a school counsellor or a teacher who is trained in supporting children who are experiencing emotional trauma. At pre-prep and prep school, this support might include play therapy, rather than more conventional counselling which might be appropriate for senior school children.

It is important to be honest with the school about how your child is feeling so that they can offer the right support. A child’s behaviour can often deteriorate when they are experiencing a family breakdown, and schools may address this in a different way if it is in the knowledge that they are feeling unsettled at home. Many parents can feel embarrassed or judged when addressing these issues with a school, but it is important to focus on what will allow everyone around your child to support them to the best of their ability.

Ask for additional meetings with your child’s class teacher to make sure that there is a clear and up-to-date dialogue, and use this as an opportunity to also involve the other parent if you are able to. It can feel like a long time between scheduled parents’ evenings if your child needs additional support.

It is also helpful to explain to your child’s class teacher how you are structuring things at home. Tell the teacher which nights of the week your child spends with each parent, and if they are living in two homes, consider if they need additional help to make sure they have the right kit on the right day. Your child’s teacher may notice patterns in behaviour on certain days which may be helpful when you are adapting the time which the child spends with each parent so that it works in the best way for your child.

My husband and I have recently separated. He has been offered a job in Singapore and his company has offered to fund fees for our son at a school there. Our son is happy and settled in his school in England. What happens if we can’t agree on what is best for our son?

The legal position is that a child cannot be moved from their home to another country without the consent of both parents, and in the absence of that agreement, an order from the Court. If an agreement between parents cannot be reached, then the parent who is hoping to relocate can make an application to the Court. The Court’s guiding principle is that the welfare of the child is paramount – and in making a decision as to whether a relocation should be allowed, the courts refer to the welfare checklist which is set out in legislation and includes the wishes and feelings of the child, the capability of each of the parents and the affect on the child of a change of circumstances. In an international relocation case, there will be individual factors that need careful consideration. The availability of excellent international schooling, the cost of living and the ability to travel between two countries will be important and potentially persuasive issues.

Relocation cases are very specialist areas of children law. The applications are seen as ‘all or nothing’ cases, as there is rarely much ground for compromise. Whether you are the parent who hopes to move or the parent resisting a move, it is vital to seek advice from a Family Lawyer who specialises in this area of law.

My wife went to boarding school and is very keen that our daughter should board as well. How can we reach an agreement?

It is natural that parents – whether separated or not – will have different views as to what is best for their children. Often these views can be guided by family tradition or formulated on a parents own experiences at school. If an agreement cannot be reached as to whether a child should board or be a day pupil, the first port of call should be to attend mediation with a specialist family mediator. Mediators are highly skilled in helping parents to reach an agreement which is in the child’s best interests. If an agreement cannot be reached at mediation, the issue can be decided by the Court by making an application for a specific issue order. Where disagreements about something as fundamental as boarding or day school arise, it is important to address the issues early as it can take up to a year for an outcome to be reached through the court process if mediation is unsuccessful. Separately from the court process, arbitration is gaining in popularity in children law. Arbitration has been commonplace in commercial law for many years but it is a more recent addition in Family Law. It is becoming increasingly popular as it can be a way of circumventing the overwhelmed court service. Arbitration essentially means that you will employ a private judge to make a decision for you which is enforceable and binding.

My wife and I are separated and our children started at a new school last term. I have not received any information from the school about their progress or events. What am I entitled to?

Both parents have legal rights and responsibilities which are known as ‘parental responsibility’. On a practical level, that means that each parent is equally entitled to receive information from the school. For example, both parents should receive school reports, emails from teachers and general weekly information from the school. Much of this information is now shared on an online portal so it is important to check with the school at the outset that you have all login details and that both parents are set up on mailing lists. You are both equally entitled to receive information irrespective of whether you are the parent who pays the school fees or has the day-to-day contact with the school. It is also important to make sure you are aware of less formal means of communications. Most schools have Parent Associations who communicate through Whatsapp groups. Those groups may send reminders about cake sales, sports matches, equipment needed and organise parents events. If you are not a member of a school Whatsapp group, ask if there is one so that you are not missing out on any important information.

It is important that the school is aware of the fact that you have separated. Be open with your school as to how amicable your separation is and explain that if, for example, your child is taken ill at school, both parents should be contacted.

My ex-wife wants to return with our children to her home country of Australia – can she do this?

A child cannot move to another country without the consent of the other parent. This is the case even if there is a compelling reason for doing so such as returning to the mother’s home country.

Where there is an existing child arrangements order in place, which states who the child should live with, there is an automatic prohibition on that parent removing the child from their home country for a period of more than one month unless the other parent provides their written consent. If a parent removes a child from the country without the consent of the other parent, it is considered to be child abduction. The consequences of child abduction can be very damaging to the child and parents. The child could immediately be returned home, and it can be confusing and traumatic to be immediately reboarded on a flight by Border Police. The abducting parent could face serious criminal charges.

It is a sensible first step to attend mediation to discuss the move if it is one that your wife is determined to pursue. Whilst it may not at first appear that there is ground for compromise, a mediator may be able to help explore the feasibility of options such as having a long summer holiday in Australia or funding grandparents to travel to England for extended stays.

My former partner has stopped paying school fees, what can I do to ensure they are paid?

If you have an agreement to pay school fees set out in a court order, your former partner is in breach of the order and you can make an application to the Court to enforce that order. It is important to inform the school bursar of any court orders or agreements as to the way school fees will be paid. It is usually the case that liability for school fees is joint and several, meaning that if one parent fails to pay, it is automatically the responsibility of the other. However, by advising the school of the situation in advance, you may receive greater leniency.

It may be that you have a more informal agreement that your former partner pays the fees and if these payments are no longer being made, you should consider whether it is necessary to formalise this by obtaining a court order. A judge will only make an order for the payment of school fees if it is affordable.

There are many challenges for separated parents. It is important to address any issues surrounding your child’s education, whether it is choosing a school, receiving information, or moving to a different country at an early stage so that there is sufficient time to resolve matters for your child and to take legal advice if that becomes necessary.

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Separated parents: how to navigate your child鈥檚 schooling

TE Schools Advice