Staffroom Confidential: the end of days

And so gentle reader, the end is nigh. All too soon, independent schools across the land will close their mighty oak doors for a long summer holiday.

Almost instantly, the horde of teachers will fling text messages, blare on WhatsApp, announce on Facebook and display glorious banners from their houses to proclaim to all their state-school teaching friends that they are, indeed, on holiday when their counterparts are not. This is the delicious moment where they forget their usual bleats of ‘Ah, but you forget we teach on Saturdays and have evening duties so we actually work HARDER over the whole year’ and simply revel in the fact that they made it to the finish line first. Following such an outburst of disgraceful smuggery, they will settle down for a snooze on their B&Q sun loungers in the garden REGARDLESS OF THE WEATHER and stay there for the next two months, moving only to go to Spain (Prep Suzette are romantics, not realists, so forgive the disregard for Covid bureaucracy to allow for a better narrative) for two weeks to do exactly the same thing.

However, be under no illusion that the final moments of term are in any way relaxing. They are not. The Senior Leadership Team, suddenly aware that August is in sight and concerned by the need for glossy marketing photos on social media to fill the aching chasm of the hols, will mobilise with a fervour normally only reserved for visits from inspectors or the head of governors. Their mission? To create THE BEST END OF SUMMER TERM EVER. It will be Magnificent And What The Children Deserve. And What Our Instagram Requires. Alas, what our dear leaders have often overlooked are three basic facts:

The teachers are so very, very tired.

The children are so very, very tired.

Everyone really just wants to sit on the cricket pitch, have some cold drinks and a chat. The idea of organised fun is, at the best of times, exhausting. When you are already exhausted, it can become almost unbearable.

Management, out of touch? Surely not. Thus, the programme of activities for the final days of term will rear its ugly head. Now, here at Talk 看片狂人 Towers, we would never wish to spoil a surprise: everyone, except teachers, loves a surprise. Teachers do not like surprises because surprises mean more work. But, aha, dear reader and confidante! We snuck into the beleaguered deputy head’s office of our own school, shoved aside the packets of Junior Disprin and tear-stained drafts of resignation letters, and swiped a hastily scribbled copy of arrangements for the penultimate day of term. Now don’t spoil it for anyone else!

End of Term Arrangements For St. Suzette The Bleeding Martyr Preparatory School: Friday July the umpteenth

7.55am Bloody Marys for all staff

8.00am Full School Assembly: Service to be conducted in Latin, which of course only the classics master will understand and will bring various children to tears during the prayers as they fumble their noun case endings.

Sermon to be given by head of Wellchester (nearby senior school with a mutual relationship of healthy dislike and grudging respect) on an appropriate topic for preparatory school children as last year’s blow-by-blow account of the crucifixion resulted in too many fainters and we ran out of cold packs.

10.00am Full Staff Meeting (G&Ts please, catering team, and easy on the tonic). Note to director of studies: a request for a marking scrutiny at this point will not go down well. Also, do NOT reveal who has which tutor groups next academic year; it will only end in tears and bruises.

11.30am Year 1 Play: The Ant Who Climbed Up The Mountain. After several weeks of very intense rehearsal and recycled yoghurt pot set-building, this play has been reimagined as The Ant Who Tried Her Bloody Best. Possibly a good idea to ensure live-streaming is very poor quality and blame it on technical glitches to conceal the theatrical shambles. DIY vodka/Fruit Shoot cocktails available in the theatre kitchen fridge. Could someone good at sprinting volunteer to be on Toilet Run Duty for the cast? Off, out, tinkle, wipe, pants up, hands, back on stage within 30 seconds please.

12.30pm Lunch: Year 4 serving French delicacies to the whole school prepared in their ‘Aventure en Cuisine’ morning, dressed in stripy tops and all with twirly eyeliner moustaches. (Catering staff: please order extra apples and crisps for emergency boost). Splash of Calvados for staff.

3.00pm Summer Music Concert. Highlights: Senior Choir’s Eminem medley and Year 3 Bassoon Group’s version of Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Please refer to above note re streaming.   4.00–6.00pm Headmaster away visiting a senior school. Any senior school. NB: must find a senior school for him to visit.

4.15pm Leavers versus Staff Cricket Match without the headmaster to ensure we all have a lovely time. Warm lager available for staff. Please refrain from throwing empty tins into the forest school area. 6.15pm Staff to meet for sherry in the headmaster’s study. (Note: nobody is to talk about the cricket match. At all.)

6.30pm Leavers’ Dinner (This will consist of whatever chef has left over in the kitchen stores. Expect fish fingers. Lots of them. Tinned fruit and custard creams for pudding?) Sparkling water only at the table to role-model to pupils that alcohol is not necessary in order to have fun.

8.00pm Disco! Case of Lambrini and packet of straws available in the disabled loos for staff. (Staff to heed local paramedic advice/request on Doing The Caterpillar, Twerking and Breakdancing please.) 10.00pm Boarding lights out for leavers and start of disco after-party for the staff still standing. Karaoke nostalgia sesh of school hymns, rugby chants and national anthems inevitable before descending into dad rock and 1990s power ballads. Just make sure you are bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for Speech Day tomorrow! Buck’s Fizz at 8.45am sharp!

Toodle-pip until September!
PS

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Staffroom Confidential: the end of days

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