The excitement is building at the approach of the summer holidays. The prospect of a six- or eight-week break from the work and routines of school, the end of exams and holidays ahead should be exciting. For many children, however, it can be daunting, as the holidays can also bring feelings of loneliness.
Separated from friends, feeling out of touch or left out and missing natural opportunities to socialise and connect, children can feel alone.
That may sound natural, but it matters because it can make the transition back to school more of a challenge, as well as affecting self-confidence and mental health. Whether they’re introverts or extroverts, all children can experience loneliness, and there are many ways to help.
For its recent Awareness Week, the Mental Health Foundation chose loneliness as its theme in response to a large rise in young people reporting feeling alone, even before the pandemic. In the conducted by the Office for National Statistics (ONS), it was found that children are calling on us to create a culture of openness about loneliness.
And we should, as feeling lonely is a normal human emotion yet it is often shrouded in shame. Like most emotions, it is sending us a message – in this case that we need connection. As Brené Brown explains in her latest book,
Atlas of the Heart: ‘We experience loneliness when we feel disconnected. At the heart of loneliness is the absence of meaningful social connection.’
There seems nothing unusual about children feeling lonely when they are lacking connection, so we need to normalise it. It may simply be caused by time away from school or it may be more to do with less developed social skills. But whatever the cause, there is much we can do to help our kids acknowledge and learn to manage these feelings.
Talk about loneliness
There are many practical things we can do to help our children feel less alone – but before we get practical, we need to start with
the emotion. The more we can normalise it, the better our kids can learn to recognise and understand it. It’s a necessary step before they can creatively explore practical coping strategies to move on and reconnect.
So often the label of ‘lonely’ comes with shame, which affects their confidence and makes it much harder to think of things they can do to address it, such as joining a sports camp or exploring a new hobby.
Ask your kids what they think loneliness feels like. How is it different from being alone? When does loneliness show up? Have you ever felt lonely in a room full of people? Do you think we all lost a bit of social confidence during lockdown? When have they felt lonely and what did they do about it? What about you? Keep your conversation light, age-appropriate and reassuring.
Children in the ONS survey reported that loneliness was a state of mind that could involve a sense of exclusion, disconnection from others or unhappiness with relationships:
- ‘With loneliness, there’s no one able to relate.’ (Male, aged 16)
- 'Alone is being by yourself and lonely is never having anyone to talk to.’ (Female, aged 11)
Noticing and talking about loneliness in other people and ourselves helps normalise these feelings. It might sound like this:
- ‘I imagine Lilly might feel lonely having moved to a new place. That must be tough. She’s not too far. Shall we plan a trip to see her?’
- ‘I remember feeling lonely when I moved to secondary school. I dreaded lunch time as I wasn’t sure I would know where to sit.’
As Brené Brown points out: ‘To help address loneliness, we must first all learn to recognise it.’ Talking about the feeling will help our kids learn to recognise it and know they are not alone.
Be an emotion coach
Being an emotion coach is about tuning into our child, being aware of their feelings and needs, taking the time to see things from their perspective and helping them feel heard. When we emotion-coach our children, we teach them to recognise, understand, express and ultimately to manage all their feelings, including loneliness. Developed by US relationship expert Dr John Gottman, it is an effective way to build vital emotional intelligence.
We want to teach our kids that ALL emotions are OK, especially the uncomfortable ones. When the time is right (when we are all calm), we help our kids put their feelings into words. And when they are ready (and not before), we talk gently and supportively about possible strategies to cope:
- ‘You seem a little quiet. I’m wondering whether you might be feeling a bit lonely and missing being at school with your friends.’
- ‘That sounds really tough. It’s brave to go to camp but I can see you might feel anxious. I get that.’
- 'I’m thinking that you are really missing Emma. You saw her every day and you might be feeling a bit lonely.’
- ‘Seeing everyone on Snap Maps at Freddie’s is so tough. You probably feel angry and hurt. That’s so hard.’
We don’t have to approve of their behaviour, but we want to be present and empathise and validate how they feel. Loneliness can sometimes feel like fear. Fear triggers our survival response and disconnects us from our rational-thinking brain. We need, through emotion coaching’s empathy and validation, to help calm those fears so our kids feel safe and understood.
We all tend to dismiss or try to fix our children’s problems, or acknowledge them without deeply empathising. When we hear or think that our child feels lonely, it can be particularly uncomfortable and may even be triggering. We don’t want our kids to be sad; we want them to have friends and feel happy, and we may even want them to have the initiative to sort things out on their own. But we are half of the equation. We need to be open, non-judgmental, curious and respectful of all our children’s feelings. They need to trust us so they can be open, share and offload the tough stuff, and move on.
Get curious about how your child experiences the world
How else can we help our kids be open and feel connected with a deep sense of belonging? How can we help them feel fully accepted for who they are? It starts with a profound and genuine interest and curiosity about how the world looks and feels to them.
Each of our children experiences the world differently.
Our introvert, Emma, takes a long time to develop a few deep relationships. She finds the socially intense hustle and bustle of school exhausting. She is delighted to have the summer off to decompress and chill but may feel lonely without connection. Knowing that Emma thrives with fewer but very close friends, we can support her to find ways to connect. Perhaps she could explore joining a club or camp with the right vibe for her temperament? We want to help her recognise if she feels lonely and that it might not be healthy to completely sign off from social gatherings for the summer but to find the ones that feel right for her.
Our other child, Fred, is more of an extrovert who thrives and needs to be with people. A summer without social connections won’t be right for him, but in a different way. Fred could still feel lonely, but it may be harder to spot. He might join a new rugby club and surround himself with lots of new mates. He’s not alone but feels he doesn’t truly belong with these guys. He might still be lonely but find it hard to open up as, being a ‘social’ chap, he’s never supposed to feel that way. We’ll want to stay curious and alert – he may be a bit quiet or offhand. We want to gently help Fred appreciate how he feels and think about what he needs to feel connected and happy.
Both kids will benefit from family time that strengthens their feeling of belonging. We’ll want to use the summer to find opportunities for time with each of them alone, as well as family time together. Enjoying each other and strengthening family bonds builds self-esteem and social confidence. Tuning into each of our children and embracing how they experience the world strengthens everyone’s empathy muscle and helps each of our unique children feel seen, heard and less alone.
Tiny steps in the right direction
I am a great one for seizing an idea and running with it. The problem is that, when it came to my kids, I’d often think of a solution to their unique challenge, and I would try to organise or manage a way out of it. I now know that if we want to help our kids learn new skills, take on new challenges or forge a new path, we can help them come up with ideas and help them get prepared, but the commitment, bravery and motivation need to come from them.
Taking steps to deal with feelings of loneliness takes courage. It’s the satisfaction of overcoming fear that shows our kids that they can do it, and it's repeating tiny steps over and over that secures the learning and helps them to believe in themselves.
We can remind our kids that loneliness is an internal alert that’s telling them that they crave connection and belonging, and we can send the reassuring message that we trust and believe in them.
Take small, age-appropriate steps, emotion coaching all the way:
- Talk through their summer: when you’ll be away, when you’ll be at home, commitments such as work or summer camps. Manage everyone’s expectations about how much home time there will be and make sure you are all informed.
- Brainstorm for ideas. What can everyone do so they don’t feel lonely? Playdates, meet-ups, sports camps, volunteering, days out, earning money?
- Engage the family. Planning social activities with cousins, close family, friends and neighbours can help children feel they belong and boost social confidence.
- Help your child find their passion. Putting in time and energy to help them discover things that they love over the summer can reap huge rewards. Whether it’s sewing, gardening, a sport or drama club, an interest is a great antidote to loneliness. It builds confidence and self-esteem, and the self-motivation tends to spill over into other areas of their life.
If you feel that your child is suffering from loneliness and finding social engagement challenging, and their behaviour has changed or they have trouble sleeping, talk to their school if you can and work together. If their worries are affecting their ability to lead a normal life and interfering with things they normally enjoy, they may need professional support.
Keep talking about screen time
No discussion about children, summer or loneliness is complete without talking about screens. Much attention has been given to how social media and gaming might be increasing levels of loneliness and anxiety among young people. We know from listening to them that social media can magnify and exacerbate the fear of missing out, of not being good enough or not belonging, but it can also be a place where kids find interests and friends. Children talk about how important screens are for staying in contact with friends, but they also talk about feeling in contact but not really connected. It’s complicated.
The key is awareness, balance and communication – lots of it. And we need to keep listening. Social media and gaming were real hotspots when my children were growing up. I was worried about the effects of all their screen time and often reacted irrationally.
Much of what I learnt about boundaries, communication and balance. I discuss in my article . The bottom line is that I learnt to listen, and I tried to understand while keeping boundaries. Gaming was hugely important to my son. It’s what he did with his friends, and it kept him from feeling lonely. I spent many evenings during lockdown listening to him laughing and shouting and playing very loudly with friends he’s known since he was eight. He just left university.
Talk to your kids, be open-minded and interested and aware of what they do and where they hang out online. Set respectful boundaries that reflect your values. Talk about wellbeing, family time and the importance of socialising in person, but most of all keep communicating.
Finally, there is a stigma around loneliness, yet it’s a normal human emotion and this summer we have an opportunity to be open about it. You may feel that you have not been affected by it so far, but one of your children may well experience loneliness sometime down the line, perhaps moving to secondary school or moving away to university. It is a universal experience, like so many others that can have an impact on our wellbeing.
We want to discuss and be open and remember that what we model, our kids learn. Talking about how we have felt or feel lonely and what we do to manage those feelings – sometimes with courage and vulnerability – all helps to remove the stigma. Helping our kids feel understood, validated, empowered and connected with a sense of belonging is the most important thing we can do this summer, and always.